Eat Shrink And Be Merry

It’s a crying shame. My sister won’t cook because of the tear-gas bomb that explodes in her face each time she chops an onion. I’m sure the fact that it takes her 20 minutes to chop a single onion has something to do with it, but I’m not here to criticize. No siree, I’m here to help! Listen up, sis, cuz I’ve got some dandy tear-zapping solutions for you, though I have to admit I haven’t yet tested them out myself.

And just to give you a quickie explanation on why it feels like someone’s poured bleach into your eye sockets when you chop an onion, it’s because there are potent juices and chemicals inside the onion’s tissues, and when your knife breaks the onion’s cells, these compounds become airborne as a fine mist. When the misty droplets encounter a wet surface (your eyes or nose membranes) they dissolve into a form of sulfuric acid (zoinks!), which is understandably excruciating to your sensitive organs.

After doing a little research on the subject, I found the following tips to reduce the pain and suffering and sniffling associating with onion chopping. Some of the ideas make perfect sense to me, and others… well… you be the judge!

1. Keep your onions in the fridge. It’s believed that cold onions don’t emit as many fumes as room-temperature onions. It’s also suggested that you put the onion in the freezer for 15 minutes before chopping.

2. Use a sharp knife. Did you hear me, Janet? (I’ve been trying to get Janet to invest in a good chef’s knife for years but she insists on chopping with a steak knife!) If you use a sharp knife, there should be fewer tears. An onion makes you cry because acid is being released from the onion. Using a dull knife crushes the onion rather than cutting it, releasing far more of this acid into the air.

3. Breathe through your mouth, not your nose. I don’t understand the logic here, but just go ahead and try it with tip number 4…

4. Put a piece of bread in your mouth while chopping the onion. I’m trying this next time for sure, only I’ll add turkey, cheese, and a little mustard.

5. Burn a candle on the counter near where you’re chopping the onion. Supposedly, it’ll burn off the fumes that cause eye irritation.

6. Chew a piece of gum while you’re chopping the onion. Again, can’t imagine how this would work, other than to take my mind off the tears streaming down my face.

7. Wear safety goggles or a scuba mask. Really! This definitely works, since the fumes can’t get to your eyes. Better hope unexpected company doesn’t show up.

8. Put a fan behind you and pointing towards the onion to blow the sulfur gases away. Sounds logical.

9. Suck on a spoonful of peanut butter while you chop. Hmm. Why peanut butter? Why not ice cream? This sounds hokey, but not as hokey as…

10. Get your cat to lick the onion first. Yes, this was truly a suggestion posted online for conquering nasty onion fumes! Poor kitty.

In summary, here’s what my sister (or anyone, really) should do next time she gets the urge to chop an onion: Put onion in freezer for 15 minutes. While chewing gum, take onion to neighbour’s place and get cat to lick onion. While at neighbour’s, borrow sharp knife. Don scuba mask. Light candle. Slather peanut butter on bread and insert bread in mouth. Turn on fan. Let the chopping begin! The only tears shed will be tears of joy.