Life in the Country’s Not Bat at All

Posted by: Greta on: April 24th, 2006  »  2 comments

There’s never a dull moment when you live in a 135-year-old farmhouse in the middle of a cornfield. One day the police drove right through my backyard and straight into the field searching for a stash of marijuana, the next day my dog was lured into a boxing match with a big, fat raccoon, resulting in a $250 vet bill, and the day after that I discovered a mouse under my kitchen sink, happily munching away on a box of SOS pads. I’ve lived in this house six years now and, thankfully, have never seen a bat… until yesterday.

While checking e-mail on my computer, I noticed a faint chirping/clicking/cooing noise coming from a corner of my living room. I knew I wasn’t “hearing things” because my dog gave me one of those quizzical head tilts that, in doggy language, means “What the heck is that?” The noise grew louder and louder, crisper and clearer. It didn’t sound like a bird. I’ve had many birds in my house before and once ended up with a dead bird in my bed, under the covers, a “gift” from my proud, sparrow-loving dog. After scanning the room for potential invaders, I spotted a tiny bat dangling from my built-in bookshelf. Eeeek! I freaked out and ran from the room, grabbed a blanket and a staple gun, and “sealed off” the doorway like it was the entrance to a bloody crime scene. Panic-stricken, I phoned my brother-in-law and left him an anxious, you’re-not-going-to-believe-what-I-found, please-come-fast-and-save-me-before-I-die type of message. He knows that I hate critters. Two long hours of nerve-wracking chirping/clicking/cooing later, my brother-in-law Don arrived (he lives out of town), wearing rubber work gloves and a Montreal Canadiens ball hat for protection. Feeling a bit like McGyver, I armed Don with my long-handled mesh sieve and a glass saucepan lid and told him to “catch” the bat using the sieve, like it’s a butterfly net. “Good idea,” said batman-in-law. Interestingly, I noticed that the bat was suddenly silent… not making a single peep. Strange, since it had been driving me insane for two hours straight. Don made his way around my makeshift iron curtain and into the living room.

“Where’s the bat?” he asked. “I can’t see it.”

“On the bookshelf, second shelf from the top, left-hand side,” I responded, my voice quivering.

“I can’t find it!” Don yelled through the red-and-white, French-toile barricade.

I reluctantly stuck my head into the living room, pointed to the bat dangling from the second shelf of the bookcase, and replied, “Right there! Right in front of you!”

“That thing right there?” asked Don, pointing straight at the bat.

“Yes! Yes! That’s what small bats look like! They look like big moths!” I screamed through the blanket, covering my head with a dish towel, just in case. “Get it before it takes off!”

“Got it.” Don calmly announced. “You gotta see this.”

“No! Don’t bring it in here! Please! Just get rid of it!” I pleaded.

“No, I really think you should see this,” Don declared as he appeared from behind the fabric doorway. “Here’s your bat.”

I screamed as he pushed the sieve towards me, then I fell silent, absolutely dumbfounded. Inside the sieve was an antique, leather-bound book (Robinson Crusoe!) with a dark, thick, silk bookmark dangling out the bottom. Despite the fact that I’ve had laser eye-surgery (twice!), I actually believed that a blue silk bookmark was a nasty, rabid, baby bat. Just so you don’t think I’m totally nuts, I’ve attached a photo of the phantom bat below. You have to understand, I was a good 15 feet away and it was kinda dark in the room, plus my eyes were fuzzy from staring at the computer monitor for so long. Honest!

Still, there’s no explanation for the weird chirping/clicking/cooing noise that I heard. In fact, after my brother-in-law departed in his batmobile (I sent him home with a pot of chili to ease my guilt), the “bat” started up again and yakked for a good 15 minutes, probably laughing at me. I still haven’t found the mysterious creature, but my dog and I know for sure that it’s hiding somewhere.

batonbookshelf.jpg
Sure looks like a bat to me!

Comments (2)

  1. Reply

    Di Shepherd | April 24, 2006 at 6:01 pm →

    Hahahaaa….your sister Helen sent us the link to your story. We’d been to breakfast with them on Sunday morning, and today she emailed us that there was some excitement on Sunday afternoon.
    Greta…you are so funny…your story made me laugh and made me happy that I’m not the only one that sometimes “mistakes” the identity of something or someone. So glad that our pal Don “saved” you!
    I don’t know…I just don’t know….what the heck was making the noise?
    I anxiously wait for the “conclusion” of this story when the mistery intruder is found. Thanks for the great cookbooks, humour and fun.
    Sincerely, Diannia and Tony

  2. Reply

    STACEY | April 25, 2006 at 3:56 pm →

    You are so hilarious ! I can’t believe you are so afraid of critters and bought a house in the country. I’m not a great lover of them either but when required I’m pretty good at catching mice and spiders in a bowl and sliding a piece of cardboard underneith. I then return them to the wild.
    Thank goodness for brother-in-laws! They do really come in handy sometimes.

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