My Dog Ate My Homework (Really!)
It’s seems fitting that my dog would be obsessed with food. After all, Lexi’s been hovering around my kitchen island for over 6 years now, waiting to pounce on bits of cooking shrapnel that find their way to the floor. (I refer to food scraps as “cooking shrapnel” because I happen to be the world’s messiest cook, and on days when I’m absolutely certain that nobody’s coming over and I don’t have to keep up appearances, it truly looks like a bomb went off in my pantry and sprayed its contents all over my kitchen.)
When left alone, Lexi the Wonder-Dog can pry open Tupperware containers (without using her teeth!) in order to devour the chocolate chips or assorted salted nuts that might be stored inside. Even more impressive, she can open the cupboard door with her snout, bite down on my built-in garbage-can-on-wheels, and slide it towards her to get a better look at the illicit all-you-can-eat snack buffet that’s piled up inside. I can just imagine her thought bubble as she rips through the bulging bag of stinky trash: Chicken carcass! Bonus! Egg shells! Yum-o! Stale bread! Yee-ha! Car? Car? Oh no!! She’s home!!
Speaking of the car, that’s where Lexi does her sneakiest work. One day last spring, when I was busy developing the final few recipes for Eat, Shrink & Be Merry!, I took my dog (as I often do) for an exciting “car ride” to the grocery store. I loaded up on ingredients, about 8 bags’ worth, and we headed home. Overcome by my caffeine addiction, I decided to make a quick pit stop at Starbucks for a coffee. On the five-minute drive from Starbucks to my house, I noticed in my rear-view mirror that Lexi was out of site and being unusually quiet in the back of my SUV. “That’s a good girl, Lex…we’ll be home soon” I informed her. When I popped open the back hatch to let her out, my yelp could be heard by the dogs over at the next farmhouse. Lexi had miraculously “lifted” three bag of groceries over the back seat and into the cargo area, where she proceeded to tear through them at break-neck speed, devouring two gigantic, raw sirloin steaks, an entire bag of whole-wheat flour tortillas, about a dozen freshly baked, oatmeal-raisin cookies and, with a grin on her face that stretched from ear to ear, was seconds away from polishing off a 4-pack of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. All in the span of 5 minutes! Needless to say, Lexi was sick as a dog. Me? I grudgingly returned to the grocery store with my tail between my legs to fetch more ingredients, since recipe deadlines were looming and my ravenous, mischievous dog truly did eat my homework.
My name is Lexi Podleski and I have an eating disorder.
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Moe | April 19, 2006 at 4:09 pm →
Omg, that is so funny.
What a beautiful dog.